that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
