Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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