Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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