i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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