I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You ruined the universe
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
