mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
