Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
