Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
