I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
