Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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