I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
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he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
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You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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