i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
