I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Couch. On fire.
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