i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
