I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
