Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
