If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
