i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
