oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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