my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
