I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
