i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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