Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
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She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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