smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
