Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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