i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
