my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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