But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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