Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You pole danced in your parka.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
