im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
