I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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