DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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