I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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