My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
