I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
