Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
