Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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