so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
