the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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