I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
