So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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