Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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