he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
