That's when you crack a 10am beer
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
