similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
