I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
