his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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