Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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