there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
