well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
