Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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