Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
