I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
