my phone needs a breathalizer
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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