Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
