Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize