Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
