So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
