And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
