If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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